WARNING: ONLY 7 SPOTS LEFT (THERE ARE ALWAYS 7 SPOTS LEFT) · OFFER ENDS AT MIDNIGHT (EVERY NIGHT)
THE PEWS TO PYROTECHNICS™ ACCELERATOR

Are you tired of preaching the same old sermons that have been preached for 2,000+ years?

Stuck with 43 members, a potluck budget, a hymnal from 1974 and a 2009 Toyota Corolla? There is a better way. It's called Next Level Favor.

In just 8 anointed modules, Apostle Dr. Bishop Prophet Chad Goldsworth III (D.D., honorary, purchased online) will show you how to turn your small, Bible-believing church into a 40,000-seat feel-good arena with a smoke machine budget bigger than your current building.

YES! MEGA-FY MY CHURCH
Seminary degree not required.
Actually, discouraged.
$ SOW A SEED!

Does this sound like your church?

✗ Your "fog machine" is a scented candle from Walgreens.
✗ Your elders keep asking annoying questions like "where is that in Scripture?"
✗ Your sermon has three points and all three are from the Bible. Rookie mistake.
✗ You still drive yourself. To church. Like a peasant.
✗ Offering time takes three minutes and nobody cries.
✗ You've been wearing the same Payless loafers since your ordination.

It's not your fault. Nobody told you that the early church was just a startup that never scaled.

INSIDE THE TRAINING

8 Anointed Modules. Zero Exegesis.

MODULE 1
Hermeneutics Is Hurting Your Numbers
Learn to read ANY verse as a personal promise of a boat. Yes, even Lamentations.
MODULE 2
Jeremiah 29:11 and Absolutely Nothing Else
The only verse you'll ever need, remixed into 52 sermon series. Never read verse 10. Never.
MODULE 3
The Sneaker Anointing
Retire the loafers. Sourcing $2,400 limited-edition sneakers, plus how to say "God gave me these" with a straight face.
MODULE 4
Fog, Lasers & Holy Ghost Pyrotechnics
If they can see the pulpit, you're not using enough fog. Includes fire marshal negotiation scripts.
MODULE 5
The 11-Minute Sermon, 45-Minute Offering
Tap-to-tithe kiosks in every bathroom stall. Emotional piano chords that play automatically when someone reaches for their wallet.
MODULE 6
Private Jet Theology
A 90-minute deep dive on why Jesus would have flown private if He'd had the favor you have.
MODULE 7
Title Inflation for Beginners
Pastor → Bishop → Apostle → Chief Apostolic Officer. Business cards included, embossed in gold leaf.
MODULE 8
Rebuking the Spirit of the Bookkeeper
When the treasurer asks about the helicopter, simply lay hands on the spreadsheet.
FREE PREVIEW · THE SERMON SERIES NAME GENERATOR™
UNSTOPPABLE
A 6-week series on how nothing can stop you (except the building fund goal).
BONUS #1: Helicopter Pad Permits Made Simple (a $49,000 value)
BONUS #2: Crying on Command, a masterclass taught by a daytime soap actor
BONUS #3: The Veneers Ministry, our partnership with a dentist in Cancún

Before & After the Anointing

BEFORE
AFTER
Transportation
2009 Toyota Corolla
Helicopter (roof entrance)
Footwear
Payless loafers
$2,400 sneakers, never touched the ground
Sermon length
45 minutes
11 minutes
Offering length
3 minutes
45 minutes + encore
Attendance
43 (incl. your mom)
40,000 (incl. livestream bots)
Bibles used
Several
One (a prop, hollowed out for cash)

Real Pastors. Unreal Results.

*Results not typical. Also not real.
+31,478%
ATTENDANCE IN 90 DAYS

"I had 38 members and a church van with no AC. Now I have 12,000 members and two jets. I haven't opened a Bible since March. I don't need to. It's all on the jumbotron."

Pastor Gary, formerly First Baptist of Tiny Creek, now GARY NATION
4 NEW TITLES
IN THE FIRST WEEK

"Module 7 alone paid for the course. I went to bed a pastor and woke up an Apostolic Overseer of the Global Harvest Dominion Network. My wife still calls me Kevin."

Chief Apostle Kevin (formerly Pastor Kevin, formerly Kevin)
SOLD THE ORGAN
HIRED A DJ

"We replaced the hymnals with a laser show and the deacons with brand ambassadors. Our church now has its own cologne. It's called Favor."

Bishop Tonya, Elevation Overflow Experience
0 TOYOTAS
REMAINING IN THE PARKING LOT

"Llegué a la iglesia en helicóptero el domingo pasado. Se me voló el peluquín, pero la gente pensó que fue el Espíritu. Tres personas cayeron. ¡Gloria!"

Apóstol Luis, Hialeah
11-MIN SERMONS
NOBODY NOTICED

"I preached an entire series called 'Unstoppable' and never mentioned sin once. Attendance tripled. My seminary professor sent me a two-word email. I rebuked it."

Pastor Brent, Next Level Life Center
$0 → VENEERS
SMILE UPGRADE UNLOCKED

"Bonus #3 changed everything. My smile is now so bright the sound guy wears sunglasses. We call it the Shekinah glow."

Prophetess Dee, Overflow Dominion Tabernacle

If you're tired of just preaching sound doctrine and want something that'll turn your old preacher shoes into sneakers, this is the course for you.

If you want to arrive to church in a helicopter instead of a Toyota.
If you want your offering buckets replaced with offering wheelbarrows.
If you want your parsonage to have a moat.
If you want people to call you "Daddy Bishop" and mean it.
If you've ever looked at the Sermon on the Mount and thought, "Too long."
Then brother, your season is NOW.
THE PEWS TO PYROTECHNICS™ ACCELERATOR
8 Anointed Modules $240,000
3 Bonuses $607,000
Honorary Doctorate (printed at Staples) Priceless
Total value: $847,000
YOUR SEED TODAY:
$1,997
Or 12 easy payments of $1,997
SOW MY SEED & ENROLL
100% Faith-Back Guarantee: if you don't see results within 30 days, your faith was too small. No refunds. We'll pray for you though (additional seed required).
PEWS TO PYROTECHNICS™ · A MINISTRY OF GOLDSWORTH GLOBAL HOLDINGS LLC
This is satire. Please keep preaching sound doctrine. Your Toyota is fine. Your loafers are fine. No pastors, helicopters or bookkeepers were harmed in the making of this page. Apostle Dr. Bishop Prophet Chad Goldsworth III is not a real person, but somewhere, he is.